15 Books I'd Banish

Sunday, 3 November 2019

Anne and I decided we wanted to make a list of books we hated, thus a list of books we’d throw out. If you want to read her blog, which I highly suggest you do, you can find it here. Otherwise, please enjoy the list of books that either enraged me, disappointing me, or bored me to death.
1. The Light Between Oceans by M L Steadman 
Writing a tragic story doesn’t make you an interesting writer M L Steadman! Look at me, I’m so edgy. My characters lead awful lives. No. All you did was tell a pointless story. I chucked this book across the room when I finished because I was so angry. It’s not just that it’s a tragedy. I can handle tragedy. It’s the fact that it was all meaningless.
2. Armada by Ernest Cline
I had so much hope. So much hope. But this awfully written book full of way too many nods to 80’s and 90’s pop culture wasn’t worth the paper it was printed on. Ready Player One was so good yet this book fell shorter than a leprechaun at an Olympic long jump. The first half of the book moves slower than an arthritic sloth and the second half moves faster than a hummingbird after an espresso. The characters were awful, the story was promising but flawed, and the conclusion was as unsatisfying as a happy ending from Freddy Krueger.
3. Wrong About Japan by Peter Carey
I love me some Japanese stuff. I’m only a hapa but I lean towards my Japanese side much more than I do my Swedish side. I went into this book hopeful as it was the story of a white dude taking his kid to Japan and what they experienced. What I actually read was a travesty. Peter Carey is an ass who had all these preconceived notions about Japan and when the reality didn’t meet his expectations he had the audacity to call the Japanese wrong.
These are best used for kindling
4. Catcher in the Rye by J D Salinger
I don’t get it. I don’t understand why this book is so popular. It’s just the story of some asshat who doesn’t deserve our sympathy or attention. There is nothing about Holden Caulfield that deserves to be read. “But Billiam, he’s an icon for teenage rebellion and angst!” No! He’s a whiny bitch who needs a smack upside the head and Catcher in the Rye is a pointless book that should never have been written. It should continue to be taught in schools as an example of what not to do.
5. The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley
I picked this up because it’s supposed to be a classic fantasy book. I went into it expecting to read a great old fantasy book, but what I actually read was a rushed and incomplete story that needed more work than the house from The Money PitThe Blue Sword is a lazy story that suffered from unforgivably lazy tropes. No likable characters, no development, and a questionably Stockholm syndromish love story. 
6. A Wrinkle In Time by Madeleine L’Engle
Again, I ask, why is this a classic? The story had promise but never gets off the ground. When I finished the book I felt let down and turned to (but didn’t read) the sequel. I thought the next book, A Wind in the Door, would be part 2 of the same story, but it’s a new tale. We’re supposed to be impressed that A Wrinkle In Time had math and science in it. Oooh, aaah, fancy. It’s a poorly written story that’s so short, none of the ideas get to blossom.
7. Animal Farm by George Orwell
Am I supposed to be impressed that the book was an allegorical commentary on what’s wrong with communism as represented by communist Russia? Well, I’m not. I think a history book would have been a better read. Orwell is so heavy handed with the allegory that he forgot he should still write an interesting story. This is the book that pretentious people claim they like. 
I’m not an animal. I’d recycle them, not throw them away.
8. Peter Pan by J. M. Barrie
Why is this a classic? I get why the Disney  movie is a classic. I understand why the play and other iterations of it are classics. But the actual story is weird, creepy, and about as fleshed out and complete as a Fifty Shades fanfic. The story is lack luster and Peter comes across as more of a villain than even Hook does. 
9. Goblin Fruit by S. E. Burr
This could have been an interesting idea. It could have tackled the idea of drugs and addiction in an urban fantasy narrative but instead it’s a short and skippable book that reads like it was written by a middle school student who never got their work corrected by a teacher. This book was awful. S. E. Burr is a horrible writer.
10. Neuromancer by William Gibson
“But Billiam!” You may be saying. “It’s a classic!” Yeah. I know. It still sucked. The story moved slower than an arthritic sloth and was more convoluted than Apple’s terms and conditions. It moved too slow to be interesting. There’s a good story hidden somewhere in William Gibson’s mess. But we’ll never see it.
11. Harry Potter and the Cursed Child by Jack Thorne, John Tiffany, and J.  K. Rowling
It seems that anything post-Deathly Hallows has been a disappointment (with an exception given to the first Fantastic Beasts movie.). This was the biggest disappointment. I was looking forward to reading about all my old favorite characters and learning about new ones and the adventure they have, but it wasn’t meant to be. Harry Potter and the Cursed Child was written like bad fan-fiction. It had a good idea buried somewhere in the maelstrom of bad ideas and poor executions. The fact that it was never turned into a novel (it’s presented as the original script) only made it all worse. It’s a bad idea. If you love Harry Potter, just reread the books.
12. The Halloween Tree by Ray Bradbury
I was looking forward to this one. A Halloween themed book by Ray Bradbury? What’s not to love? Turns out… a lot. As I read it, I could tell Bradbury wanted to be fanciful and poetic but it falls flat. The story is so weird that it zaps any enjoyment out of the short book. As I read the book, I reread chunks because I thought I was missing something. The only thing that was missing was a good story.
I don’t own any copies of these last books. So have about a picture of Oscar the Grouch?
13. The Road by Cormac McCarthy
Cormac McCarthy is a hack. This is the first book that I can remember not finishing. This was assigned reading in a college class I took and I remember reading summaries of the last half of the book just so I can participate in class discussions and write essays about it. Maybe one day I’ll give it another shot since it’s been over fifteen years since I put it down. But for now it stays on my list of most hated books.
14. The Two Towers by J. R. R. Tolkien
I loved The Hobbit. I enjoyed The Lord of the Rings. But Tolkien lost me in the history book masquerading as a fantasy novel called The Two Towers. There were very interesting and enjoyable parts in this book but all the good was marred by force fed history that belonged in a companion book. I’ve commented once or twice that Stephen King gives us a lot of back story and that it doesn’t always matter. Well Tolkien puts even King’s biggest tangent to shame.
15. Every Heart A Doorway by Seanan McGuire
This book was a tragedy. It’s a waste of paper. I weep for the trees that lost their lives to print this drivel. You can read my full review by following the link down below, but to make a long story short let me say this: It’s a great idea that was written by an amateur who never had the benefit of anyone telling her she sucks at writing.

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